So one of the worst things about depressions is the metaphorical layer of fog that falls over everything stopping you from seeing all the brightness, colour and definition of the world around you. Music is just a noise that you have no emotional connection to, all food taste more or less the same , things you used to enjoying doing just become chores and work becomes a seemingly never ending battle to get the most simple things done. Everything is varying shades of grey and it's all your fault.
But, when the tide turns and you feel and see the colour start to bleed back into your world you find yourself discovering things you didn't even realise you missed. One of the most cliched is the dawn chorus. Before birds would make that horrible noise just to wake you up and piss you off because you ate chicken for the first 18 years of your life and now they're getting revenge on you for eating their cousins. But now it's a noise that you actually look forward to waking up to hear and in conjunction with your morning cup of tea sets you up for another day.
Clouds become more than just things in the sky for people to moan about they become hypnotic tapestries of faces, they're natures rorschach ink blot tests. Rain clouds are dark menacing mountains that loom over you and cause you to stop in the street an gaze up open mouthed in awe, much to the bemusement of everyone around you.
The colour green becomes like a visual form of heroin. You must see trees, grass, any kind of plant life at least 76 times a day or you feel the need to sit in a corner and rock gently back nd forth. You find yourself making excuses to go up to the top floor of your works building just so you can spend a couple of minutes looking out at the patch work of tree tops and grass covered hills that flow around the houses and roads.
Seeing other mammals going about their daily business. Squirells scurryin up and down trees like the furry little ninja's they are. Cats and dogs stretched out in the sun or chasing things that aren't there and having a great time doing it. Walking home at 1am and seeing a fox that promptly stops an stares right into your eyes and into your soul before continuing, allowing you to just observe it go about their nightly duties.
And music. Oh music, that mistress who can make you jump around like a loon, cry like a baby, headbang until your head just about falls off and can make your entire body orgasm with ecstacy. I'm not religious or spiritual in any way but the power of music is undeniable and it touches something inside me that I cannot rationally explain and I don't really want to know why it does what it does. All I know is that I need music to live as much need to inake oxygen and consume food and water.
There are hundreds of other things I could write about but I don't want to bore myself or anyone else any more than I have done so already. If you read I urge you to find just one thing everyday that makes you grateful to have been born and to be lucky enough to be part of this truly awesome freak of nature that is our planet.
Saturday 12 June 2010
Wednesday 9 June 2010
Right, write.
Ok so this is my first attempt at keeping any kind of blog/diary type thing and I'm still not sure whether I'll be any good at it so please be kind and if you can't be kind at least make your criticisms constructive.
Today is Wednesday and that means a new episode of V, which is now my solitary source of televisual awesomeness since 24 finished on sunday. I still can't really believe that 24 is over forever, it's been an annual ritual for the last 9 years and the final scene between Jack & Chloe made me shed a tear or two. I know there will probably be a series of films out in the future but it just won't be the same and just so you know, that was only the second time I've ever cried because of a tv show. The first time was watching the end of Stuart, A Life Backwards. A brilliant piece of film making with Tom Ford in and I urge you to seek it out, you will not regret it.
Something rather weird happened this week, I woke up on Monday morning expecting the usual mood that comes with having to get up and go to a job I have no interest in and can be down right, blood boilingly frustrating. However I seemed to have come to the realisation that it's ridiculous getting annoyed by things that I can't change or at least that aren't going to change for a while so why not just try and find the little things that make daily life that little bit better. This may be partly due to my discovering of the YouTube channel of a young lady called HayleyGHoover (http://www.youtube.com/user/hayleyghoover) & 5AG (http://www.youtube.com/user/fiveawesomegirls) So now everyday I find something that has made my day awesome in some way, and you know what it's actually kinda working.
I was getting to the point where I was finally going to admit defeat and go to see a doctor about getting some medication or psychotherapy for my depression but at the moment at least I feel I may be able to handle things a little better and who knows, even be able to get to a point where I can say i'm genuinely happy in some sense. There's always going to be bad shit happening in the world that I can't stop on my own and that is going to make my moods descend into their lowest regions but at least now I have a way to make each day bearable. Lets just hope that it lasts a good long while.
Today was awesome because I got new V and a couple of Nutnfancy vids to watch. Oh and there's only 2 more days of work until the weekend. Boo Ya!!!(I really shouldn't type or say that)
Ok so this is my first attempt at keeping any kind of blog/diary type thing and I'm still not sure whether I'll be any good at it so please be kind and if you can't be kind at least make your criticisms constructive.
Today is Wednesday and that means a new episode of V, which is now my solitary source of televisual awesomeness since 24 finished on sunday. I still can't really believe that 24 is over forever, it's been an annual ritual for the last 9 years and the final scene between Jack & Chloe made me shed a tear or two. I know there will probably be a series of films out in the future but it just won't be the same and just so you know, that was only the second time I've ever cried because of a tv show. The first time was watching the end of Stuart, A Life Backwards. A brilliant piece of film making with Tom Ford in and I urge you to seek it out, you will not regret it.
Something rather weird happened this week, I woke up on Monday morning expecting the usual mood that comes with having to get up and go to a job I have no interest in and can be down right, blood boilingly frustrating. However I seemed to have come to the realisation that it's ridiculous getting annoyed by things that I can't change or at least that aren't going to change for a while so why not just try and find the little things that make daily life that little bit better. This may be partly due to my discovering of the YouTube channel of a young lady called HayleyGHoover (http://www.youtube.com/user/hayleyghoover) & 5AG (http://www.youtube.com/user/fiveawesomegirls) So now everyday I find something that has made my day awesome in some way, and you know what it's actually kinda working.
I was getting to the point where I was finally going to admit defeat and go to see a doctor about getting some medication or psychotherapy for my depression but at the moment at least I feel I may be able to handle things a little better and who knows, even be able to get to a point where I can say i'm genuinely happy in some sense. There's always going to be bad shit happening in the world that I can't stop on my own and that is going to make my moods descend into their lowest regions but at least now I have a way to make each day bearable. Lets just hope that it lasts a good long while.
Today was awesome because I got new V and a couple of Nutnfancy vids to watch. Oh and there's only 2 more days of work until the weekend. Boo Ya!!!(I really shouldn't type or say that)
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